Killing Floor 2

So the floors are back and they're killing. Too.

Tripwire's survival horror (ish) FPS is back, back again. Tell a friend. And you'll need them too as the cooperation aspect is at the front of the gameplay here. 

So pick your class- commando, support, medic or bricklayer and kill things for money! Spend the money on guns! Only this time there's no shop keeper, just a "pod" which is basically a 3d printer / vending machine. You don't get twiglets or mars bars from this pod but you do get assault rifles and automatic shotguns! The goods don't get stuck either! Now that's progress! 

The "zeds" are still the same as before but look better. They die better too with loads of exploding heads and things which is nice .

The game is on Steam as early access so it's not finished yet - more battle scenes are available soon? 

There's only the survival mode so far but you can hold up an entire server by searching for bling when there's only one zombie left on the level .

It's better than the first game but won't work on your old Pentium. 

Axelay - A Konami Troll

In 1992 Konami released the amazing tour de force called Axelay... It was a show case of what the Super  Famicom could do. Mode 7 things, sprite scaling and coffee making. Ok the sfc couldn't make coffee but if it could it would be swishy and slightly blocky.

Anyhow Axelay had awesome vertical levels and amazing horizontal levels, it was as if someone fed Salamander a big pile of 16 bit steroids. The music was classic Konami, it stayed in your head like the earwig things from The Wrath Of Khan. 

Axelay only had one problem, when you finish it you get a cheery "see you in Axelay 2!" 

Which of course is Konami trolling us. Forever 

Modern Battle los angeles Warfare 2 (VS aliens)

Battle : Los Angeles is an Alien Invasion movie in the style of Blackhawk Down Syndrome. Which means it's shot at ground level from a grunt's (no offence) point of view. These Marines are leaving. Well trying to leave anyway. They have to get some civilians from an abandoned police station to safety before the whole area is carpet bombed by the airforce. As it turns out no-one managed to kill 9 aliens in a row without dying as the kill streak never happens. This doesn't stop Thankyou for Smoking Man and Michelle Rodriguez and their mates using all the Modern Warfare 2 perks in their quest to get back to the choppaaaa and head shot all the water powered aliens on the way. One guy is using Bling as he has a scope and a foregrip on his LMG, they all have scavenger pro as they pinch all the ammo off their dead comrades. Rodriguez and Dr.NHS Glasses both have Commando perk for the stabby kills. And there's that guy who gets a 4 kill streak to call in an airstrike at the end to destroy the core!
It's all good clean family fun but they should've had Will Smith and The Fly for ultimate alien killing sliceness. Wiki-wah-wah. All this and it's the first role for Michelle "frying Pan" Rodriguez in which she doesn't die. Well done Michelle. No waiting to respawn for you.

Captain Power - Better than Commie

Captain Power was the best thing to come out of "Stroll-In", you know that cheap tat shop that was in Abingdon town square in the early 90's. Well strictly speaking that wasn't true. It was actually Captain Woman and the Dark Destroyer. And Commie.
These figures were the best £1 toys ever better than the Robotech figures from the other pound shop. Commie wasn't. You could also get a Captain Power gun too but I think that came from Woolworths, it was pretty cool and fired sucker darts or heavy grenades. It also broke down and had removable parts like a sniper rifle. It was well slice.

Captain Power has now had a 3 minute revival. Due to the wonder of the internets you can watch the whole series if you like. The series is best described as a cross between Starship Troopers and Power Rangers. That's not particularly accurate but it'll have to do.
Commie's not in it either.

The year is sometime in the future and the Dark Destroyer has employed a CG Swoop ( the Dinobot) lookalike to digitise all the humans. It's up to a rebel band of normal guys in tinfoil suits to battle the evil CG bad guys. Theres the normal line up, Captain Power, Captain Fly-Guy, Captain Computery Scouty, Captain Security Guard from Mallrats and Captain Woman, who everyone just refers to as "Pilot" I don't think anyone likes her much. All the suits have a limited power supply so that they run out of juice as soon as they fire a laser gun twice. The action is very reminicent of the full motion video cut scenes from a mid-90s PC game, so that's retro-cool too! The sets are probably left over from straight to VHS movies like Screamers 2. Its all nice and rubbish but the special effects are probably worse than Buck Rogers. Thats not a fair comparison either as Buck is the best thing ever.
Mind you Captain Power is the prequel to Babylon 5 both being written by J. Michael Straczynski. Obviously it's not really but at least the special effects wern't done on a Commodore Amiga.
Commie never got a Tv series. Just a one way trip to the bottom of the Thames.

"I'm Every Woman" was originally recorded by Chaka Khan, fact fans

Brasso Gadget Care Review

Brasso (Retro) Gadget Care



Brasso is a company that has been around for ages, it only had two products Brasso polish in a can and Brasso polish in a tin.

Then someone at Brasso realised that no one bought silver anymore as they were too busy spending their cash on the latest Ipod or a ps3 or something.

All of which attracted dust and greasy finger prints like mad, so some clever person at brasso invented Brasso gadget care so you can polish up your expensive gadget good.

Which is great as that means you can now give your dirt encrusted smegadrive the clean it deserves, or your stained Saturn a nice polish.

The little bottle of gadget care comes with a soft cloth, first off it's not a cleaning product in it's self, so it wont remove stuff like cat wee stains or all the annoying dust from inbetween groves,

Best get a toothbrush for them, preferably someone else's, dont forget to put it back after cleaning out those crevices.

Then blob on a couple of drops of the polish, and give your console a good rub.

I've tried it on a megadrive with mega cd, it is supposed to add a layer of silicon to repel dust, it seems to give the Megadrive a deeper looking black, and a certain sheen to it, the shiny bits of the Megadrive look a but more reflective, and after a couple of weeks it wasn't completely dusty.

Before? After? You decide.



Next up Saturn ! lots of shiny black on this, again it works nicely on the black, even the matt black, and indeed the dust does not seem to gravitating towards it as much as usual.

Not retro enough? Let's try this Hitachi boom box! Hmmm the gun metal benefits only a little from the polish, but the shiny bits are improved. Anyway I only have one audio tape left these days and it by a band called Dengar, so I might be polishing this more than using it.



So overall it does help, mostly on black, so lucky there are a lot of black consoles then, but don't expect miracles if you have a console frotted up beyond belief.

It came through my door....

Seriously, would you eat at a place called Nads?

Mmmm let's go for some nads.

Ive got your nads to go right here.

Lancaster - What the Hell is going on back there?

In the dark days, buying a computer game was like Russian Roulette. The box art promised an empty chamber of gaming fun but more often than not was loaded with crap.
Screen shots on the back of the box started to show what the game might look like. On a different system or in a smokey arcade, with small print saying "shots from various formats"
Later on companies started printing "actual screenshots" on the boxes, boasting that the game would actually look like that.

One company named itself after this. "Actual Screenshots made 16bit games for the Amiga and Atari ST.
Now see that picture. A nice picture of a Lancaster bomber flying low and being cool. It was an actual screenshot. Of the loading screen.....




The game however looked like this:

More of a cardboard approximation of looking out of the back of a bomber from the tail gunner's position.
Well so much for that.

The game had your 3 crew members flying a dangerous mission over Nazi Germany. The main gist of the game had you shooting down enemy planes from the rear gunner position and sometimes looking out the bottom of the plane and dropping some bombs. On hospitals and other dangerous places.

Now I'm pretty sure that bombers where better manned than this. Obviously spending cuts in the defence budget ment that only 3 crew were allowed. So the tail gunner had to work part time as the bomber too. You could choose from 3 gunners: Pilot Downs-Syndrome, Lofty from Eastenders or Captain CrapSpackle. It didn't matter who you chose because the radio chatter always said the same thing "What the Hell is going on back there?" The question is why did the gunner need to know things like speed, altitude or target distance? Isn't that the pilot's job? Spending cuts again. It's not in my job description. It says so here - Gunner : job duties - Shooting, Shooting, keeping score on a digital display. Occasional bombing duties may be required.





It was however an accurate simulation of how boring war actually is. The waiting for something to happen - however the waiting in question was the loading time, but at least you had a nice loading screen to look at. I doubt the guys in WW2 had that to look at. They could've taped a picture of a Lancaster to the inside of the gun turret in between enemy attacks I suppose to really simulate a crappy Amiga game from 1990.

Nuclear Strike - Random Review

At the risk of terminal blog repitition, here's some more helicopters. This time however the helicopters are better. Still not bullet proof though. Nuclear Strike does include other things too. A smashing (literally) hovercraft that makes things explode when it touches them and probably a Harrier too. I didn't get that far (in true MHS style one play equals a badly written review). So someone wants to throw nukes around again and it's up to Mr.Flyboy to pilot his chopper into some places to shoot stuff to prevent ALL OUT NUCLEAR WAR. It's all pretty cool stuff, you can strafe, blast tanks fly in circles to complete a series of missions. Most of which involve chasing some resistance bint around as she shouts at you - "cover me!" "follow me!" "get some milk!"
There are supplies dotted about the level. You know the stuff, ammo, armour, fuel, chocolate pretzel flips. Well not pretzel flips. You can't find those anywhere. Seriously was I the only person to buy those? All the missions are glued together with some FMV cut scenes that look like those Sega Cyber Razor adverts from 1991. Infact theres a guy surrounded in TV screens sitting in a rotating dentists chair while wearing those special glasses that you have to endure at the optitions. He's probably playing Battle Golfer or something. It'd be funnier if he was playing Desert Strike. When you finish all the missions on a map you get shoved onto the next harder map. There might be Harriers on that next one.

Fight Club Xbox : The first rule of Fight Club is not to play it.

Remeber when Tekken 1 came out on the Playstation? The intro looked awesome. When Tekken 2 came out a year later the intro for the first already looked dated, but we knew it wouldn't be long until we were playing games that would be up to the standard of those intros.
Forwardwind to 2003, and a bunch of developers looking for a interesting movie to turn into a game. Fight Club was their choice. Stupid choice. I mean ok it's a film with "fight" in the title but it was about so much more.... Its like making a film of Das Boot and making it a shoe fitting simulator. Anyway Fight Club the game has graphics that look like that intro from Tekken 1. No really it does. And it looks crap. All the fighters look "special" and swear all the time. Meatloaf's in it too with his man-boobs. So's that woman that I can't remember the name of. Brad Pitt doesn't seem to have bothered turning up but I didn't play it long enough to see if he's in it later. Edward Norton Antivirus doesn't seem to be in it either. Mind you I might be missing lots, I only played it for 15 minutes. It could turn into a story lead tour-de-france or something after an hour but to be honest I couldn't stand it any longer. It's bland like decaffinated coffee and has a similar overall colour and consistancy too.
Oh and in case you're wondering the 2nd rule of Fight Club is "do not eat - throw away"

The Ninja Warriors - Overview 20 Years Late "I keeel you"

One of the reasons to skyve off School and go down Broadstairs Arcades was the 3 screen Darius cabinet that was there. One day it was gone and replaced by another 3 screen epic. The Ninja Warriors. You controlled one of two Cyborg-Robo-Ninja's scrolling sideways down the dilapidated Cowley Road in Oxford. Waves of stupid foot soldiers with knives run at you into your blades followed occasionally by a soldier with a rifle or a cyborg-robo-ape. Sometimes a pimp with a purple hat would lean out from behind a Datsun Sunny in a garage to have a pot shot too. Now I'm sure I saw that guy down Cowley road once too. I didn't have any shuriken to throw at his head. It might've been Dodgy Andy though. Carrying a Darkstalkers PCB in a Tesco carrier bag.
Later levels had a tank that you could only defeat by shurikening the gunner on a huge airfield. Also there were other robo-ninjas that teleported around like the'd been playing Gaunlet too long. I think they made the same sound effect too.
Ninja Warriors had the most awesome music too. The kind that you'd have copied onto a TDK C90 and listen to on the train. What was cool to was that one of the Ninja's was a chick - with robotits too! Fnarrr!! You wouldn't play as the bloke Ninja 'cos that'd be gay.
Ninja Warriors was ported to the Amiga but didn't have the music. Then the PC Engine. But didn't have 2 players. Then finally the Mega CD - with 2 players and CD music Slice!
There was a SNES version too but was more of a sequel than anything else. That one was 1 player too and the music wasn't as good. Only through the miracle of Mame can you experience the original. Well if you've got 3 monitors anyway. No Damn way.

Matt Damon's Leaf Green Zone

Matt Damon's on the Road to Veridian city! He's gonna be the very best! He's gotta catch'em all!
His quest starts when special agent Oak gives him a special deck of cards of Iraqi leaders and it's up to Matt to bring them all in. Before long he's collected the business cards from Misty the reporter and Brock the CIA agent.
He gains a and befriends an unevolved Freddy and despite the difficulties involved in having a wooden leg trains Freddy to drive him everywhere. But what's this! A wild special forces-mon has appeared! wild special forces-mon used Blackhawk! It's super effective! Special Forces-mon stole Matt's strategy guide from CIA Brock too.! Oh no! Now Matt can never find the super secret Iraqi-mons!
As you can see I've uncovered the truth that Hollywood steal every plot from other sources. Die Hard, 12 Monkeys and Day of the Jackal were all originally episodes of Bergerac. Now they've moved on to more contemporary places to steal their ideas from.

Mass Effect. I'll tell YOU what the effect is......

I really wanted to like Mass Effect. I really did. I Found it for 50p, and did I get value for money? No.

Commander Shepard is a hero/bad-ass/galactic soldier/man/woman. He/she is hard/soft/dark/light. Etc Etc. This is one of those games that you make the main character yourself and no matter hard you try you'll always end up with a bloke that looks like that guy from Prison Break or a chick that looks like whingey-duckface from 24.

I opted for the latter. I doesn't seem to make and difference. So following a failed rescue mission to some dull planet or other, it seems someone's got it in for the whole galaxy and is trying to end it. Mr/Mrs Shepard is tasked with stopping said loon with the help of some drunks she met in a space station. Oh and Seth Green. You follow the plot from star system to star system and sometimes land on a planet to investigate. By "investigate" I mean drive around the surface of the planet in a BigTrak that's been on Pimp My Ride. Then you get out and shoot stuff.
And here is the main problem. Combat is turdcake.Here's how to make it.

Take a 3rd person shooter. Remove any accuracy in the aiming and controls.
Make the weapons as underpowered as Tesco's Value chilli.
Sprinkle in some retarded team AI.
Mix so it takes on a brown colour.
Add some repetitive enemy types.
Season the enemies so they run from one point to another. Endlessly
Strip the cover system from Gears Of War, break it into small pieces and burn it until nothing remains apart from standing facing the camera while "in cover"
Rinse and repeat, then discard.

When you've eventually shot the last of the enemies then you recover a plot point for the story and continue to the next planet. I could see this going on for sometime and decided not to. Instead I ran around the space station saying inane things to the inhabitants. It seems though that the only one that would listen was a tall pink jellyfish that was some kind of intergalactic Jehova's witness. Bloody Typical.

Airwolf : Season 1

People always remember the best things about Airwolf. The music, the helicopter, the fold out weapons that have a mind of their own. Now brace yourselves for this. It was crap.

Airwolf is a state of the art secret stealth attack helicopter, owned and operated by a branch of the CIA. Airwolf is totally bulletproof, it flies at above the speed of sound.

In reality Airwolf is a civil helicopter with lots of things superglued to the outside, stolen by a moody Vietnam vet from a CIA splinter group that is run by some bloke that likes white suits.
Airwolf is bulletproof when it feels like it and it flies at the same speed as sped up film.

The main character is Stringfellow Hawk played by Jean Michael Vincent. He's a totally unlikeable loner. He enjoys sitting by a lake, playing the cello, collecting art and being alone. Match.com material he is not. His only friend is Academy Award winner Ernest Borgnine. Borgnine is played by Dominic Santini, a rotund Italian-American pilot and owner of "Santini Air"
Nearly all of the episodes revolve around some silly cold-war spy plots that culminate with Airwolf shooting a biplane out of the sky. The commies want Airwolf for themselves because it's that good. The government wants Airwolf back too as Stringfellow stole is and hid it in a cave. He says he'll give it back when the CIA find his brother, St.John Hawk, who is still missing in action in Vietnam.
Hawk and Academy Award winner Ernest Borgnine begin to harbour unhealthy feelings towards the helicopter, remarking that "seeing her gives me tingles all over" and refering to it as "The Lady". They both think this is normal acceptable behavior, no wonder the CIA want it back - it'll have to go to councelling for helicopters when Hawk gives it up.
For such an invincible aircraft, Airwolf is not without its faults. Every episode it has something that doesn't work, probably a result of the abuse heaped upon it by the two aero-perverts that keep it locked up. It's more likely that the faults are a product of a script that gives that particular episode's antagonist a minor chance of survival in his home made autogiro.
Now I could yak on about the use of stock footage from airforce archives for the battle scenes and the repeated use of footage from the first episode.
But I won't. This whole first season is such a mess I'm surprised it ran for 4 seasons.
Honestly, even the music is really annoying.

Man on tram

This guy was on the tram, he likes the Dreamcast more than you do, in fact he likes it so much he's wearing he Dreamcast suit out. He should get together with the guy who looks like a hard Twikki for maximum awesomeness.

Double Dragon 3 - Random Arcade Review

Remember when Double Dragon was released? No? Well bugger off and steal a Delorean and find out then. It was something of a revelation. Okay so Renegade came first but you never saw the arcade game (apart from the arcade in Canterbury which became the Penny Theatre). DD was two player as well and featured the now legendary "Billy Elbow", which you could finish the whole game with. Final Fight came along later and Double Dragon was forgotten. This game is probably the reason why.

So Billy and Jimmy are tasked with finding the Shankra stones by a little yoda-like Chinese guy. Unfortunately they're not really up to the job. They move like geriatric pensioners, their two frames of animation showing that they probably have arthritis or rickets or something. Shame as they were so quick and nimble in the other games. The generic bad guys move much faster even the Meatloaf lookalike moves faster. The bad guys change with each level, great you might think but think again. Level 2 has straw hat wearing chinese guys and Bruce lee as a boss (its a chinese level you see), level 3 is in Japan so it's all samurai. And probably ninjas but to be honest I really couldn't be bothered beyond the 1st screen of this level.
Something that is different is a that each level has a shop at the beginning. So you wander inside and the girly shopkeeper (not as good as the one from Forgotten Worlds) squawks stuff at you. I think it's english she's speaking but it's hard to tell. The shop sells power-ups, weapons, health and men. Yes that's right it's a front for white slavery. Problem being that there seems to be no in game currency so how the hell do you buy this stuff. The answer is simple. With REAL money, you have to put another credit in after you've paid to play the game to get one in-game coin. The game is so Gil-Gerard-hard that you HAVE to buy at least the power-up. Then I found that when you buy a man you get, guess what, an extra life, which is stupid as you only get one per credit anyway. So why not use the continue function? What is the point of paying for a life in the shop if you can continue anyway? Why were Billy and Jimmy resurrected to find these stones? Why am I still here? WHY?

Golden Axe, Beast Rider Review

Golden Axe Beast=Rider is one of those games that was largely ignored on release, but it had quite a nice box and a good gaming history so I thought would be worth getting when it was cheap and now is the time of cheapness.

At first glance it sems to have nothing to do with proper Golden Axe, no dead friend Alex or anything, but on closer inspection theres actually quite a lot of Golden Axe in there but it's hidden under a lot of gushing blood and repetative scenery.

In fact if Hollywood were to make a movie of Golden Axe this is what the movie would be. It looks like a realistic Golden Axe, stuff happens like it would in Golden Axe, yet some how it entirely misses what Golden Axe should be.

I never thought I would hear Gilius Thunderhead Say "By my balls!" but thanks to Bast=Rider I have.

All the levels involve running a long a bit, killing some enemies then moving on to the next bit.

Every level is a wasteland, wilderness wasteland, desert wasteland, castle wasteland, you get the idea.

The scenery is decorated by badly drawn strung up naked corpses. A 14 year whose only possesion is a pirate VHS copy of Conan would think it's cool.

Golden Axe, Beast=Rider has for some reason decided rhythm action combat is the way to go.

The combat involves lots of dodging depending on the colour of the enemies sword glows, after your dodge you get an extra strong attack which is a pain if you are ryhtmetically challenged like me.
It can also mean standing around waiting for someone to try and hit you so you can use your strong strike back.

Riding beasts is actually good fun, but the problem is the mighty beasts are very fragile, and they tend to explode in a fountain of blood after bumping into things, or using a special move.

You can only have one beast at a time so this means after your beast has stubbed its toe and taken a load of damage the best thing to do is to jump off it and then lop its head off, and run back and get a new one. Tyris flare is no friend of endangered species thats for sure.

Despite all this the game is kind of compelling, just to see whats going to happen next or at least unlock another Tyris Flare costume, I have spent more time on this than MW2 singe player, Infinity Ward are probably kicking themselves for not including more semi naked desert warrior women in MW2. I know I am.


Overall - Nobody tosses a dwarf

Adventures of Sid - Xbox 360 indie game

Tomatoes are a fruit. Not a vegetable. This means they mince around town like a little teapot. Not like vegetables. They sit lifelessly in a chair dribbling. Sid is a tomato, but rather than prancing about like Gok Wan, he resolutely trudges about a 2 dimensional landscape (his footsteps sound like the sound effect from trudging around Animal Crossing) gunning down snails and bumble bees. He comes armed with a flamethrower, grenades and some dynamite. The explosives come in handy not only with blowing up the local wildlife but also in destroying the scenery. which leads us to the level design. Which is pretty clever with loads of secret areas with handy switches to open them up. One level has underwater bits (in which the music changes like in R-Type Delta - but makes you think your sinuses are blocked) and obligitary slidy bits and frozen walruses. When Sid gets hit by a bee or a patch of spiky things he looses health, which can only be regained by devouring what looks like Tomato ketchup. I find this slighty disturbing. Sid gets more health by drinking the liquidized remains of his fallen brethren. That's practically cannibalism. Sick
On the whole this game reminds me of Bullfrog's game Flood which us in need of a serious update. If you don't know it, look it up. Well I guess it's more like Fire & Ice. Look that up too.
Word has to be given to the guys who made it from bits of their own flesh and bone (or something) Give it a download, the demo's free and the game is 240 Microsoft dollar.
clicky here to have a look

Surrogates - Balancing Plates?

John Mclain is back as a robot shell of Bruce Willis, except he looks very very plastic. He's an FBI agent looking for a secret weapon that kills not only the robots but the user too. The chick from Silent Hill is his partner (but doesn't look as Plastic even though she's a robot too). So they run around Boston chasing the guy who fell out the airlock in Event Horizon. Bruce willis looses his John Mclain shell (this is however where Jedwood stole their hairstyles from) and has to....shock.. horror...GO OUTSIDE. Hilarity ensues as he keeps walking into people as he finds out that some one has taken over his partners body and will use it to plug the weapon into the internet to destroy humanity!
I really stopped paying attention to this movie about half way through and started to think of some more interesting premises......

• Cow&Gates : All humans are replaced by very small jars of a rudimentary paste, until Robocop shoots them (or eats them)

• Margates : All humans are replaced by eastern european cheap labour. May or may not have had anything to do with the Scenic railway fire.

• Normanbates : All humans are forced to have a shower, just to be murdered and replaced by a crosdressing psycho

• Baddates : All humans are replaced by poisoned fruit in a dastardly plan to kill off Nazi Monkeys

• Duelofthefates : All humans are replaced by John Williams, which suits him just fine as when you start to hum any one of his themes you could wonder off into any other one. They're that similar.

It's also worth noting this is based on a comic book which I'd not heard of. It seems Hollywood will take any milk from the comic book cow dairy.Even the stuff thats been out in the sun for a few hours. Now where's that big budget version of Johnny Fartpants. Or Biffa Bacon......

Killing Floor - PC

Some things are very British. Most games these days aren't. Killing Floor is made by some Scandinavians that maybe went to London once or watch the Bill on the internet while listening to the world service. It has London buses, Black Cabs, Panda cars and fire hydrants. Er... WTF? Fire hydrants? Nowhere in Great Britain has fire hydrants. Stupid American fire hydrants.

The date is next week and the zombie apocalypse has happened. In Blighty. Well they're not really zombies but genetic experments gone bad. Like in House of The Dead they all have nails and metal sticking out of them. Mostly. They attack in orderly waves with a handy counter to tell you how many there are left. When you kill them all a shop opens, which is usually 10 miles away and you have like 1 minute to get there before it closes. You buy guns and ammo and it shuts. Then the NEXT WAVE starts. Just like that.

The game is mainly a co-op affair and all the player characters talk in a thick Eastenders accent. "stand still you muppet" "Can't you see I'm reloading" "Get outa my pub". They're also all closet gays. Going on about taking "one in each hand" and "trying to shag" each other. The yardie shopkeeper doesn't help. All she says amounts to cock euphanisms "I like them big" All the player characters ignore her again indicating that they are gay, because as we know from 28 Days Later all post apocalyplse soldiers turn into serial rapists.
The game has a perk system where you grind to get better discounts on guns and more damage using certain guns. The game wants me to headshot 700 guys for my next level. Which may be nice when it happens.

So get it off Steam and enjoy gay mindless zomble-cide. Great and I never mentioned Left for Dead once.

Overall : BIG GUNS

Gley Lancer (Review)

GleyLancer (MD)

Its got some anime type 'cutscenes' at the start. Excellent MD speech. Pick it up for GRAVEL VOICE! Graphics are fair ,backgrounds look nice, even on teh first level we flew through saturns rings (a bit like in Macross) . Thorpe says it plays like a Horizontal versiion of Image fight. At the end of the first level, the Megadrive tells us in its gravely voice "I would do anything for some ice cream" Or it might have been "I will give you anyhting but eighteen year olds" we aren't sure.

At the start of the second level (after a very easy first boss) it tells us to beware of the popcorn. It could be talking about the tune from the 80s or there could be popcorn on this level. This is whats so great about this game; Its allways going to be easy to adapt to new situations, in fact the second boss was twice as big and twice as easy to kill. It wasnt made out of popcorn, ice cream or eighteen year olds (as far as i know) but it was a giant head. The voice on later scrutiny is i fact what Tweeky from buck rogers will sound like after 25 years when smoking more than his usual 8 cigars a day. Half way though the second lvl you get somthing called Ned Shot. Just after that you are attacked by metal Neds that look like blobby space ships. after this you get to the end of lvl boss, which is a giant brain thing (the grouped hub of hive intelect representing every Ned in the universe. Its easy to kill though as its got no guns and just foats in front of your guns.

Stage 3 comes after another small anime cut scene with an anime chick, shes not on shopkeeper from forgotten worlds standards, but shes quite good. anyway yes, stage 3, its the obligarory speed up stage.... then it slows down and shouts danger at you a lot. at first you think its having a laugh, as it just has little volcano things shoot at you from the floor, but soon enough you see that its really unfairly just going to crush you in a growing blocks of shit. If you jab your laser in the eye of some spinning ball thing you will complete the level. Huzzah.

Jesus, now its onto the next level, it appears to be a copy of lvl 3 of R-Type (which i completed btw) Its pretty bad and even though it warns you that there is a huge ship heading your way you still are suprised by the huge falic object on the back of the ship, its some sort of rear firing penis launcher.... nasty. Amyway skip to the end, you can wipe out this big red cock machine pretty quick and we are onto somthing that i REALLY hope is the last LVL.

At first i thought wow, they are pulling out all the stops here, there is a sunset with not one, but 2 suns and the first few waves of ships look hard enough, then you see the pattern, then its as hard as putting on slip on shoes. Another huge ship aproaches and is beaten before i really can decide if it looks like ED209..... A cut scene! its the end!! ...... No....

Another lvl, but Thorpe says "this must be the last lvl, its bio-mechanical". So i stick it out and watch as he moves into the end ... no ... mid lvl boss, thats still a huge enemy standing in our way. at this point im just hopeing that Thorpe dosnt turn round and happly ask me if i want a go after him, i think i might die or somthing. Ohh, i just missed the end boss. aww shit in a hat and puch it, there is another level.

OK, this is Level 8, it looks a bit like stage 2 from Gradius 1 but with a red backdrop. I think i can see where the developers were going with the dificulty curve here, You see, its like a marathon not a sprint. Its just told us to watch out for flying rocks (they have little laughing faces on them), i can only think they are laughing at us for having got this far, its some sort of developer in joke. Ok, thorpe just lost a life on the boss, im sortof worried about him , hes looking a bit down , and has gone all quiet. Im going to try and speak to him in a light friendly way after this boss. Wish me luck.

Overall : Continue? yes/no