Showing posts with label Eastenders. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eastenders. Show all posts

Wednesday, 8 December 2010

Lancaster - What the Hell is going on back there?


In the dark days, buying a computer game was like Russian Roulette. The box art promised an empty chamber of gaming fun but more often than not was loaded with crap.
Screen shots on the back of the box started to show what the game might look like. On a different system or in a smokey arcade, with small print saying "shots from various formats"
Later on companies started printing "actual screenshots" on the boxes, boasting that the game would actually look like that.

One company named itself after this. "Actual Screenshots made 16bit games for the Amiga and Atari ST.
Now see that picture. A nice picture of a Lancaster bomber flying low and being cool. It was an actual screenshot. Of the loading screen.....




The game however looked like this:
More of a cardboard approximation of looking out of the back of a bomber from the tail gunner's position.
Well so much for that.

The game had your 3 crew members flying a dangerous mission over Nazi Germany. The main gist of the game had you shooting down enemy planes from the rear gunner position and sometimes looking out the bottom of the plane and dropping some bombs. On hospitals and other dangerous places.

Now I'm pretty sure that bombers where better manned than this. Obviously spending cuts in the defence budget ment that only 3 crew were allowed. So the tail gunner had to work part time as the bomber too. You could choose from 3 gunners: Pilot Downs-Syndrome, Lofty from Eastenders or Captain CrapSpackle. It didn't matter who you chose because the radio chatter always said the same thing "What the Hell is going on back there?" The question is why did the gunner need to know things like speed, altitude or target distance? Isn't that the pilot's job? Spending cuts again. It's not in my job description. It says so here - Gunner : job duties - Shooting, Shooting, keeping score on a digital display. Occasional bombing duties may be required.





It was however an accurate simulation of how boring war actually is. The waiting for something to happen - however the waiting in question was the loading time, but at least you had a nice loading screen to look at. I doubt the guys in WW2 had that to look at. They could've taped a picture of a Lancaster to the inside of the gun turret in between enemy attacks I suppose to really simulate a crappy Amiga game from 1990.


Friday, 8 January 2010

Killing Floor - PC


Some things are very British. Most games these days aren't. Killing Floor is made by some Scandinavians that maybe went to London once or watch the Bill on the internet while listening to the world service. It has London buses, Black Cabs, Panda cars and fire hydrants. Er... WTF? Fire hydrants? Nowhere in Great Britain has fire hydrants. Stupid American fire hydrants.

The date is next week and the zombie apocalypse has happened. In Blighty. Well they're not really zombies but genetic experments gone bad. Like in House of The Dead they all have nails and metal sticking out of them. Mostly. They attack in orderly waves with a handy counter to tell you how many there are left. When you kill them all a shop opens, which is usually 10 miles away and you have like 1 minute to get there before it closes. You buy guns and ammo and it shuts. Then the NEXT WAVE starts. Just like that.

The game is mainly a co-op affair and all the player characters talk in a thick Eastenders accent. "stand still you muppet" "Can't you see I'm reloading" "Get outa my pub". They're also all closet gays. Going on about taking "one in each hand" and "trying to shag" each other. The yardie shopkeeper doesn't help. All she says amounts to cock euphanisms "I like them big" All the player characters ignore her again indicating that they are gay, because as we know from 28 Days Later all post apocalyplse soldiers turn into serial rapists.
The game has a perk system where you grind to get better discounts on guns and more damage using certain guns. The game wants me to headshot 700 guys for my next level. Which may be nice when it happens.

So get it off Steam and enjoy gay mindless zomble-cide. Great and I never mentioned Left for Dead once.

Overall : BIG GUNS